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Dating Dos and Don'ts For The Portly Gentleman
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You’re a guy. You’re fat. You want to meet a woman. As luck would have it, I’m a guy, I’m fat, and I met a woman and would be glad to show what to do and what not to do, so you can hopefully meet one too.
1. The first rule of fat club is you do not talk about fat club.
The golden rule of being fat is to not ever mention it. Don’t put it out there into the ether. Pretend that you don’t even know that you’re fat. Pretend you don’t even know what fat even is. If a woman is talking to you, she is interested in you. As Roseanne Barr once said, “It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.” Does a skinny person constantly mention that they’re skinny? That’s rhetorical.
2. Talent trumps fat.
“What have I got? No looks, no money, no education. Just talent.” – Sammy Davis, Jr.
For the most part, the older a woman gets, the less she cares about looks. Use this to your advantage, my chubby male friend. Let her see your talent. Show her your artwork. Play her that song you wrote. Make her laugh as much as you possibly can. Talent is endearing. Talent trumps fat. If you have low self-esteem and don’t think you are talented, think of the compliments you’ve gotten from others. Don’t rely on your own opinion of yourself.
3. Be a good listener.
This is advice for any man, not just you, my large (possibly obese) friend. Listen to everything a woman says to you. When she talks, you need to be laser-focused on every word. Use every ounce of cellulite in your body to remember everything that she says. When you bring things up later in conversation, she will be amazed. This will help her forget about you being such a huge, jiggly lummox.
4. Don’t put yourself in a compromising position.
The world is not built for large people. There are places you shouldn’t go on a date. If you’re uncomfortable, it’s going to make her uncomfortable, which will make you more uncomfortable. Don’t go to a restaurant with uncomfortable seating. If she has to see your giant ass struggling to squeeze into a booth at Denny’s, you won’t be squeezing her ass later. Do NOT go to a buffet, no matter how much you want to. If you do go out to eat, make sure to stuff your face at home beforehand. You know how guys “clean their pipes” by masturbating before a sex so they can last longer in bed? It’s the same idea. By going to dinner on a full stomach, you can pick away at a salad instead of mowing down a rack of ribs in front of your date. And for cripes sake, do not eat off of her plate. Act like you don’t even know that food exists.