I had the privilege of hearing the author of “The Shack” speak over the weekend and something he said really hit those — must blog, must blog — chords. He was talking about the forgiveness process inherent in all relationships and the need to extend grace, compassion and forgiveness even when you don’t think someone deserves it and then he swerved a bit and said the following

“If you set an expectation on someone, anything less than that expectation becomes no longer a gift. It is now only what is expected.”

Wow. I know this isn’t rocket science, but for some reason the simplicity of that statement all of the sudden made it extremely clear why expectations make short work of any love relationship. Be it friendship, family or lover. When a relationship becomes based on performance, it is no longer a relationship centered in love. And love is no longer being given as a gift. Its now expected as a given.

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It can be incredibly hard to dial down your expectations and I am sure that some will argue that you need to expect SOME level of performance and to an extent, I agree with you. But how do you know when your expectations get out of hand? Perhaps ask yourself if you only love someone “if or when” they do XYZ instead of loving them even if they don’t do XYZ.

You can also take a look at where your expectations are coming from in order to determine their worth. If you have expectations of your mate being healthy, safe and honest — those are all good things (among others.) But there are several attitudes that create a love vacuum generated by excessive expectations:

1. There’s a Hole in the Bucket: This person wants their mate to be their all in all…to fill up the hole in their heart. Other people — especially mates — become god in this person’s life. Typical expectations: mind reading, wish granting, requiring actions that go against the general character of their mate, constant affirmation, excessive time requirements even when it means sacrificing something needed to “do life.” If this person doesn’t feel loved and fulfilled by their mate… they will go shopping for another in a quest to fill that hole in their heart.
2. London Bridge is Falling Down: This kind of person has a completely other-centered self esteem. Meaning, they have no inner well of esteem to draw on and demand others to provide all feeling of self-worth. Typical expectations: cajoling out of a bad mood or anti-social state due to perceived imperfections or flaws, constant verbal and physical affirmations from mate or friends even in the face of rejection, mind reading and laser like focus on mate at all times, feedback and monitoring of what other people say and think, mate must be perfect at all times to increase approval of peers. This kind of relationship just drags on forever and ever in a kind of nasty triage situation. They don’t tend to go shopping for another mate until they’ve drained the current one of all life.
3. Desperate Housewives: I’m sure most of you have either run into a perfectionist or been one in a relationship. If you want a more in depth look at controlling and perfectionist types read this post. But the long and short of it — perfectionist expect perfection in whatever area it is that drives their need for approval. That can be anything from keeping a spotless home to having a barbie doll beautiful wife. This relationship death can either linger or be suddenly sprung on you, but these are typically the “trader-upper” and “grass is greener” types.

I could go into more depth, but I’m sure you get the drift.

When is the last time you said to yourself…”If he/she loved me, they would (fill in the blank.)”  or ” If he/she doesn’t do (fill in the blank,) I’m leaving.”

You’ve just set up an expectation. Is it a good one or not?